Melancholy

I somehow can't shake off a glum mood that's hovering around me like some sort of toxic fog, obstructing my ability to function normally. Apparently the world is flowing in the background, time ticking, deadlines nearing, and I'm somehow detached from it. It's not about me, even though it is about me. Every now and then I get my ass together for a while or two and get some stuff done, like a computer program or motivation letter for my studies application (how am I to sell myself as awesome and worthy if I'm the last person on Earth to think that of myself?).

It has dawned on me ages ago that the world doesn't have a purpose. There's no meaning of life, there's just a hard-coded instinct where the lone purpose is eating, sleeping and prolonging the existence of humanity. Whoever thinks otherwise is just shitting himself. What makes humanity more special than cats? The fact that intelligence went a step too far and imploded into self-indulgence? Give me a break. If you can't give me a break, at least be a good buddy and live by the rules your fantastic owner gave you.

Most folks enjoy laughing at other folks doped out of their mind. Instead, I'm prone to sinking into fits of inner rage, watching seemingly serious citizens acting like cats on nip, doing idiotic stuff far removed from conventions they have so lovingly embraced with their religion. I don't give half a fuck about how guilty you feel the next morning when the chemicals wear off, nobody made you get so wasted. Still, these folks are religious, and as such are pets to some creator dude up above and live by his rules (as sent to his pets via a messiah of sorts). As they are to live by said rules, they should not be acting like that. I spent a fair chunk of my early years trying to survive as an atheist in an insanely religious country, with a number of my fellow citizens making me feel inferior because Jesus Christ wasn't part of my life. If I'm some sort of Untermensch, at least be the Ubermenschen you make yourself out to be, would ya?

I try to live a good life. It's hard to stomach the fact that my attempts to be a proper member of the community don't mean jack because I don't believe in some hippy messiah and his loony sect from two millennia ago or any other variation on the theme, unlike religious folkses with all their fucktastic actions, doped or not.

I'm starting to understand why so many of my friends are true believers... as true believers, they actually abide by a firm codex of moral norms... not that unlike my own. That's not to say I'm indirectly a religious nut, as that's not the case. My definition of "good" and "bad" converges with their definitions more often than not. Sure, there's some overall world perception differences, such as God's existence or lack thereof, but I'm a pretty "good" person when viewed through their moral codex. Well, at least much closer to "good" than the vast majority of folks around me. Hilarious, but their purity somehow makes this be logical. In some weird, twisted way.

As such, I'd tag myself as a nihilist with rules. I was raised in a household with no religious presence whatsoever, but managed to come out with a pretty acceptable set of gut-based regulations. There's no need to mow down people with machetes, why make anybody's life harder than it already is? The futility of the human condition is enough of a burden. Why not try to hang in here together and make the most of our time here before our biological clocks run out, without getting in anybody's way?

Can't shake this thing off, no matter how hard I try. Been hovering in place for over a week. Listening to some choice R.E.M. nuggets (they had some pretty awesome songs, slightly deeper in their back catalog than Losing My Religion of Everybody Hurts). Waiting for this to go away. Trying to help it with some social interaction... in a curiosal plot twist, I smile a lot and am relaxed and happy. It's not about me, I'm detached from it. Weird-ass sensation, I tell ya.