So... I've been in the UK for over three weeks now. Guess what, my irrational side was right.
They keep casually flinging around big names of big things like it's adding two numbers. They expect me to read and understand those logorrhea + barbed wire formulas articles. Every single attempt to master anything ends with me having to backtrack five miles and start from the absolute basics of everything imaginable.
I attempted to combat it with creativity. They don't really see a problem with the errors they're making. And I don't have enough stuff in my arsenal to persuade them that it's otherwise.
It's not helping that I'm cooped up in an office with three other people who are doing more-less the same thing for their PhD, and they're all continuing their masters projects. Which, in turn, evolved out of a class they took during their taught masters part. The guy on the left is writing up page after page of bushy integrals like it's nobody's business. The girl behind me is whipping up crazy-ass graphs of shit I probably wouldn't understand. The guy on the right came up with his own skewed distribution for some sort of neural cell process. And his supervisor accepted it. My supervisor just nixed my perfectly-in-sync-with-their-method's-core idea to make it somewhat more compatible with other techniques that are less home-brewed than theirs is.
Also, today's a shit day. Had a pretty epic (one-sided, as usual) fight with Fox yday, the chicken I had instead of fish & chips doesn't exactly like it inside of me, and all my office mates are gone. I have no idea where they are and whether I should be there as well. Still, at least it gives me an excuse to slack off and type this up instead of doing actual work. Plus, it's the standard glum UK morning out of my window.
Fox fights left me a bit battered up back when I was home and in good condition. Considering I'm something of a halfway-snapped-open egg over here, and she was even more hard-hitting than usual, I'm in pieces. And I'm changing my demeanour with her, this time for real.
I miss home. I want to ditch this place and head back, hug my folks, sit in the mountains and never leave. Meet up with all the people I left behind and have fun with them. Like I used to. Before I left it all for some madman's dream of actually being competent and managing. Guess what, now that I get to execute Plan A (even though I'm a Plan B for them), it simply turns out that I'm not good enough for it. After a lifetime of being told by my parents how smart I am, acing GPA's, doing well in competitions... it just turns out I'm not good enough after all.
And that feel will not leave me for the rest of my life, no matter what may happen. That I had a chance and I'm watching myself blow it in slow motion, not for lack of trying (hello 8h office days). Simply because I'm too much of a worthless piece of shit in the end.
Signing out. Hopefully it'll all magically fix itself, but I doubt it.
