4.8.14

John Rumpy vs. Games

Yes, I have "rechristened" myself to John Rumpy. This way I can go "Hello my name is John Rumpy and I'm very pleased to meet you". It's quite possibly just a phase, but the concept is cool.

I'm writing this in the wee hours of the morning, as I'm post-transatlantic transit and my daily rhythm is down the shitter. Hey, at least somehow I managed to make the to-Europe time change feel like the to-America time change, so I'm not late for everything. I'm early for everything. This is supposedly easier to deal with. It took me like four days on the other side of the pond, but I feel a little less like I got churned up in a washing machine now, so I should be okay.

Why'd I go transatlantic? Because reasons, that's why. The reasons being conference. I flew for 10 hours, spending tons of my budget to stand next to a poster demonstrating my crappy "research" for a few hours. Woop dee fucking doo. I also got to listen to others talk about their stuff, and there are tons of cool things going on. Maybe I'll apply for a spot to some of those labs, assuming I successfully finish this part of my life beforehand. Yes, I'm down in the shitter, how'd you know.

I also met a Finnish girl who was strategically positioned 3 metres from me during the poster session. She seemed just as out of place as me, and that felt nice. I don't think she's interested. I know I'm a little interested. I'll bug her a bit anyway, you never know, maybe shit will work out. I'm not sure I should even try, I'm just a waste of space, plus I don't have a good history of long distance stuff working out.

Anyway, time to get preachy and write a thing that I've been wanting to write for a while now. Think that I'm in a good position to do it now, as I seem to have freed myself quite well... namely, video games. Just like just about every other kid ever, I played some while growing up - abusing the engines of turn of the century FIFA games to do crazy shit, being quite horrible at the basic platformerness of the Nonsense games but still loving them to bits for the randomness, being quite horrible at THPS2 but still getting a kick out of it, obsessing over the original pod racer game as ZOMG POD RACERS. I was never overly addicted or anything, I had other stuff in my life.

Cue early 2012. I apply to my current university, go through the entire confusing situation, apply for a scholarship, get noped. I get depressed even by my standards and delve head first into Team Fortress 2. I play a whole lot, even after transferring to the UK - life's pretty stressful, and that helps me vent steam. Sort of. Eventually I get fed up of TF2, in no small part thanks to my difficult to work with personality resulting in lack of luck in competitive. I guess if I were a spineless git like JR I'd make it higher up and possibly still be playing like he is. Keep at it, docter - you're at nearly 3000 hours and such div1 wow. Pardon the snark, it was uncalled for. Anyway, once TF is out of the picture is where shit gets real.

For you see, TF is like going out for a beer with friends in comparison to dota. Dota is like being a twitching drug addict on a subway station floor. It's quite possibly the most addictive game in history thanks to all the heroes and whatnot, and there's always a reason to play another game after the one you just played. There's always someone to play a game with. Just one more, doing something else, or trying to redo what you just did. You lost? Well damn, you need to win to quit while ahead and feeling good! You just won? Perfect, keep up the streak!

This would result in a HUGE time-suck, and I'd spend a full time job's worth of hours playing the game. Nope, I didn't neglect my work, I'd still get everything done and keep my supervisor happy. Thing is, when not working, dota would be pretty much all I'd do. Because reality sucks and dota makes me feel better, right? Nah. It was a negative-sum mood changer, because I'd feel far worse after losing than the slight mood boost from winning. I'd play a round with a friend in the afternoon, after getting a hunk of analysis out of the way. Then I'd snap out around 3am, head reeling, countless rounds with a rotating line up later.

In the end, this is still probably better than alcoholism as I'm not destroying my internal organs with it and it doesn't deplete my financial reserve. That's not to say that gaming's good, as it's pretty much the same thing. You dive into it headfirst to escape reality being bad. Eventually you surface and reality is still bad. Dota'ing won't support you, unless you're one of the fringe cases who get to be pros, but I'm nowhere near good enough, so it won't do anything to reality apart from leeching temporal and energetic resources you could allocate somewhere else. To be quite fair, I'm not sure I'd want to live off dota anyway, even if given the possibility.

So what sort of inspired advice can I offer to those struggling with a similar sort of "fuck this gay earth" reality-escaping addiction? Well, it doesn't help. It never does. It's a sign of weakness, and it just makes you all the weaker by itself. Cold turkey the hell out of the fucker. The thing that snapped me out was my visit back home early July. I figured that my life's unhealthy, and deliberately left my mouse in the UK for the trip so I wouldn't be able to dota. Did it work out? Hell no, I found a random old horrible mouse in my Polish room and tried to dota on a few occasions on 500 ping internet. Still, I was doing all I could to quit, and eventually the itches died down to a manageable level. I went back to the UK, and I dota'd some more. Still, I was controlling myself - I wouldn't allow myself to lose track of reality, and the vacuum-like feeling of MOAR would result in me killing the game. I was managing it. And I looked around at my life and I realised I don't need it. Yes, this is an obvious realisation to make, but a groundbreaking one for someone stuck in a shithole like that.

I think that the conference helped me the most in that department, actually. I went there sans mouse again, but not consciously. I just didn't need to dota after hours. I think that this ship has finally sailed.

Is life better now? Hell no. Reality still blows. But without this gigantic time and energy suck distraction, I've got a bit more power to face it head on instead of just claiming that life sucks and firing up dota again. I won't stop life sucking. I won't stop myself hating myself for not being musician material. Still, I'm feeling a little saner and more in control with that out of the way. Will I ever dota again? Maybe with friends every now and then, but I don't really feel drawn to it. And if I do dota, I'll have to watch out to not lapse back into the shitstate, and also be weary of it showing up from other factors.

So what's up other than that? Well, as you can tell, I'm depressed. But that's the norm. The Polish girl who I accidentally met in a mall a few years ago and can't get out of my head since then changed her profile picture on Facebook. If fate were less cruel we'd both probably be happy now. I hate myself for being a spineless git, but some things eclipse the sun, especially given my current financial situation. She no longer proudly displays that she's single, so she probably found a guy. Good for her, she really deserves one. Ever since shit hit the fan I try to distract myself, get her out of my head. It's failing. Pretty much every single song I wrote since meeting her is hers one way or another. It's an incredibly touchy subject so I haven't mentioned it here before, and I probably won't again. Just a general moment of weakness. Perfect timing, I'm about to go to a group meeting and then to see my supervisor. I guess I'm due for the annual "I'm fucking worthless" breakdown in front of her. Lights, camera, action.

Other than that, I'm eating a raspberry yoghurt. Uh-huh. Jon Auer's solo record just finished. Before that, I listened to a leak of J Mascis's new one as well. Both make for a good listen in the wee hours of monday morning when you're still supposed to be asleep. I prefer the Auer one, a lot of the Mascis one is him retreading old ground, yet again. The bits and pieces that are novel are quite pleasant though.

I think that'll do it. Huge ramble out of the way. Doesn't matter, nobody reads this shit anyway, just me every few months or whenever. It's quite possible that I'll look back at this from some future time point where I've succumbed to gaming again and I'll curse myself for not having enough strength to stay out, yet being so preachy at this moment in the time-space continuum. I feel like flinging myself off a fucking cliff. Fuck everything.

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